Manly men

While I buy the idea that phrases like “be a man” are harmful to men – as suggested by Samantha Cowen who states, “Women and girls aren’t the only victims of a patriarchal society” (http://www.takepart.com/video/2015/07/09/be-man?cmpid=tp-fb) – I think it’s also necessary to consider the negative implications the phrase “be a man” has for women.

When someone tells a male individual to “be a man,” they’re also telling them not to be the opposite of a man (i.e., don’t be a woman). This sets up the inequality women<men (not to mention that it reinforces the myth of a gender binary).

Based on the answers given in the above-linked video, society does not view women as:

• Tough
• Unafraid
• Courageous
• Strong
• Awesome
• Responsible
• Focused
• Understanding of the world around them
• Heroic
• Able to take care of themselves
• Secure
• Standing up for what they believe in
• Hardworking
• Honest
• Taking ownership
• Trusting their instincts
• UP IN YOUR GYMS PUMPING IRON

It’s also apparent from the video that sexism and misogyny are learned behaviors, as the younger children struggled to understand what “be a man” meant. There were some blossoming feminists shown in the video, as well. For instance, the 15-year old who said, “I feel like its sexist when someone just says, ‘Be a man.’ Well, there’s strong women as well.” Or the 29-year old who said, “Bullshit because what does that even mean, it’s such a vague term, ‘be a man.’ You know what… classically, men have beat the shit out of women. That’s what men have done, and so that’s not the man I want to be.”

So how is society perpetuating sexism and misogyny? Well, for one, through the media. Two weeks ago, watching So You Think You Can Dance, I was repulsed by comments made by the judges. Specifically, Paula Abdul telling Moises Parra after his performance in the Broadway round of Vegas Callbacks #1, “You gotta dance like a man […] You have to be able to dance strong.” Later in the episode, as Moises is ‘dancing for his life,’ you can hear Travis Wall saying, “He needs to dance like that when he’s dancing with a girl.” After his solo, Jason Derulo tells Moises, “You look like a badass in the beginning, but as the piece progressed you just got softer and softer.” Paula adds, “The key for you is going to be your face. Maintain the fierceness while you’re dancing.” Finally, Nigel Lythgoe (the show’s executive producer) tells him that he’s in his imaginary top ten, a compliment tempered by him saying, “It’s only you that drop out of it when you dance weakly.”

This example demonstrates society’s construction of what it means to be (and to dance) “manly”. Again, we can discern that if men dance strong and fierce, women must not (FALSE!). Furthermore, the judges telling Moises that his dancing was soft and weak after instructing him to dance like a man, sets up the distinction that to dance soft and weak is to dance like a woman (again, FALSE!). The problem in the judges’ criticisms is not that they want his dancing to be stronger – after all, it is a dancing competition and only the best will make it on to the subsequent rounds. The problem lies in the juxtaposition of “dancing like man” with “dancing strong,” which effectively equates the two and sets up disturbing antonymic associations. If we truly want to live in a society in which women are viewed as equals, we must redefine what it means to be a man in terms of what it means to be human. The roles and characteristics of men and women should not be seen as mutually exclusive. Rather, in the realm of all roles and characteristics possible, everyone, regardless of their gender identity, should be able to exhibit their truest self, “masculine”, “feminine”, and anywhere in between.

More than an acronym

I cringe every time I read something that refers to someone as a MILF. For those of you who are unaware of this pervasive term, MILF stands for “Mother I’d Like to F***.” There are similar acronyms assigned for a variety of other individuals, including dads, babysitters, grandmothers, and grandfathers. According to a 2003 definition of MILF on Urban Dictionary, the term MILF can be assigned to “mothers, whether married, separated or divorced, that a male individual sees as physical attractive enough to want to have sexual intercourse with them.” The definition goes on to explain why these MILFs are viable candidates for sexual activity – “Just cuz their moms doesn't mean that they don't need a spark in their love life. If they've ever breastfed,they have really responsive nipples and a core of erectile tissue in their breasts. The ones in good shape have worked at regaining control over their vaginas (Kegel exercises).MILFs are usually real careful about birth control, they know accidents happen but they take responsible steps. They want to f*** with abandon, with no romantic complications for their under-19 family. A MILF is any mother that is sexually desirable.” Grammatical errors aside, there are glaring implications that this explanation holds for the perpetuation of rape culture in our society (and you’ll notice that I’ve included the DILF and GranDILF acronyms in an acknowledgement that rape culture can also impact males).

The most obvious implication is that these individuals are being sexualized and objectified. Rather than acknowledging pleasing attributes of these individuals (e.g., so-and-so’s mother is attractive, smart, etc.), these acronyms beeline to the sexual, whether it is wanted by the objectified person or not. In the Urban Dictionary definition, breastfeeding is categorized not as a way to nourish one’s child, but as a way to ensure one’s ability to orgasm. Kegel exercises are viewed as a way to tighten one’s vagina for the sexual pleasure of the person doing the objectifying, rather than as a way to treat urinary incontinence and other pelvic floor problems. It is assumed that these women (after all, they’re obviously not virgins… shame on them… they’re asking for it) desire sexual relations without commitment and are basically nymphomaniacs whose libidos are insatiable.

Rape culture is defined as “an environment in which rape is prevalent and in which sexual violence against women is normalized and excused in the media and popular culture.  Rape culture is perpetuated through the use of misogynistic language, the objectification of women’s bodies, and the glamorization of sexual violence, thereby creating a society that disregards women’s rights and safety” (http://www.marshall.edu/wcenter/sexual-assault/rape-culture/). The term MILF has been integrated into our slang vocabulary in the past decade to the point where it doesn’t seem like an overtly sexual term. This seamless integration is proof positive that we are living in a rape culture. It has almost become a compliment, which is a key component to the perpetuation of rape culture in our society. In order for rape culture to continue to exist, women (and those who love them) must be complicit. Disturbingly, the hashtag #MILF (which I would not recommend looking at unless you’re ready for some explicit images) is being used by husbands to describe their wives and by daughters to describe their mothers.

Some may say that no one is, in fact, being raped when this egregious term is used nonchalantly, and therefore, calling someone a MILF does not constitute rape culture. While it is true that referring to a woman as a MILF does not involve the physical violence that constitutes rape as a criminal act, the emotional consequences of letting these seemingly harmless acronyms run rampant in our discourse are unseen, elusive, but real. The blatant disregard for women’s safety, prosperity, and equality has real consequences. Phenomena like the gender pay gap, an overwhelming male government deciding what reproductive rights women should be allowed to have, the underwhelming number of women in positions of power, not to mention the absurdly high number of women who have/will experience sexual violence in their lifetime, prove that we have a long way to go in terms of gender equality. Standing up to objectification and sexualization by way of abolishing these “harmless” terms is one small, albeit important, step towards a better world for mothers, sisters, wives, girlfriends, and yourself if you’re a member of the female sector of the population. Don’t be a bystander! Call people out when they use sexist, misogynistic language! Women should be acknowledged as the intelligent, capable, strong, talented, beautiful PEOPLE they are. Don’t let the women you love be reduced to an acronym.